Of Fantasies and Fantods

Ma Mira

2009-03-13T03:38:00.011+05:30

In her arms, he fell
In love with him, she did
'Krishna', she said,
'Is mine'
He smiled

'But dear', they said,
'You can't marry him'
She refused to listen

For years, she waited
'He is testing my devotion'
She told herself
'I will wait for him'
He stood smiling

She loved him so much
She hurt
She loved him so much
She had to let him go

She became an atheist
Insomnia took over.

Proximity

2009-02-20T08:42:00.004+05:30

'Daddy daddy!! Look here. I can see anna. Anna is standing right in front of me', Anu squealed on top of her voice.

Well, for any outsider, it might have sounded like a squeal, but for me, her dad, the high-pitched of the 4 year old at the sight of her 6 year old brother, sounded heavenly.

I went near her and knelt down to match her height. She was playing with the new pair of binoculars I got Arjun for his birthday.

'No kanna, Arjun is not right in front of you. He's playing in the ground on the other side of the park'

'No daddy. I can see anna. He is right here. I can see him smile. Oh and now, he is picking his nose. Bad anna. Amma told him it is bad to pick one's nose'

'Hahha. Yes, it is considered very dirty to pick your nose in public. Plus, it is not healthy to not clean your nose every morning'

'Yes yes, amma has told me all that. She told anna also. Aey anna, stop cleaning your nose daa'

Innocent kid. She thought the binoculars made her anna stand next to her.

'Anu dear, anna can't hear you da. He is far away. You will have to walk across the park to tell him that'

'But daddy, he is right here. I can even see the gap in the front row of his teeth. He lost a tooth last week remember?'

She turned to her side, facing me and asked, 'Will I also start losing my teeth daddy?'

'Yes dear. You will lose one set of teeth before you become ten. They are called the milk teeth. After they fall off, you will get a new set of teeth which you will never lose'

'Does it hurt when a tooth falls off?'

'No da. It doesn't hurt much'

'Hurt much? But it does?'

Smart child of mine. I never expected that.

'No da, it doesn't hurt'

'You are lying. I will ask anna about it. He remembers it much clearer than you do. His teeth fell off just last week. Yours fell off years ago'

I suppressed a chuckle and patted her back, as she turned her attention back to the playground.

'Where is anna?'

She wasn't holding the binoculars anymore. I pointed my hand towards the far end of the park.

'There.. Can you see the bunch of boys playing with the ball? Your anna is wearing a grey T-Shirt. Can you see him?'

She squinted her tiny eyes in the direction I pointed and took a moment to spot her brother. She looked back at my face. She looked confused.

'But daddy, anna was standing right in front of me till now. How did he go so far away so fast?'

I tried my best to explain principles of optics, convex and concave lenses in simple terms for a three year old to understand.

'See da kanna. What you are holding in your hands, is like the glasses appa wears. It helps you see things that are far away. Like your anna just now. You hold this in front of your eyes', I positioned the binocs,' can you see anna now? But anna cannot see you, because he doesn't have the binoculars with him. To you, he appears to be closer than he is. To him, you are still far away'

She nodded her head without speaking a word. I held the instrument in place till she was done looking at her anna. She gently pushed them away, and stood watching the boys play at a distance.

She looked at the binoculars for another long moment, and turned to face me again. The curiosity which I saw in her face earlier, taken over later by confusion, gave way to a mixture of fear and hurt in the end. I had to be very careful now.

'Anna is not near me appa'

'No, he is not'

'He was always that far away'

She was taking in what I said, part by part. I found myself agreeing with her.

'Hmm'

'And these.. these..'

'Binoculars'

'.. I thought anna was actually here', she stood staring at me, with her tiny eyes welling up.

Before I could even utter a word, she reached for my shoulders and buried her head into them. She didn't need any explanation. She understood.

I stroked her hair as I closed my arms around her.

A cup of coffee

2009-02-15T13:39:00.004+05:30

That rush of adrenaline
The heightened awareness
The energy to start every new day

All the you get, from a morning cup of coffee.

Her new world

2008-06-14T23:15:00.004+05:30

She closed the door behind her carefully, lest it made some noise; lest the wood of the door got hurt, lest it disturbed the inmates, of her empty house. She turned around to face the world, outside her house, but with her eyes closed. Face, with eyes closed? How is that – you ask? The reasoning she gave for this was that she wanted to savor each of her senses slowly, one by one. So she faced the world, with her eyes closed.

It had, after all, just rained. She knew that her senses would feast. They always did, after a heavy downpour.

The first to catch her was the sense of smell; the smell of wet earth; up her nostrils, warm and sweet.

She slowly moved forward in her porch; she felt the breeze; her sense of touch; chilly breeze carrying the warm smell of wet earth.

It was time for the next sense. As if on cue, the breeze gently pushed her hair off her shoulders; off her ears; and she heard them; the trees. They seemed to welcome her; they had sent the wind in her direction; the chilly breeze that carried the warm smell of the earth and the sound of the trees’ murmur.

She heard them; she acknowledged them; with her smile. She opened her eyes and she saw them.

The clouds above, were just parting, letting in the rays of sun, lighting up the world; the world in front of her.

The trees communicating with each other through their leaves, and passing on their message to her, through the wind.

The flowers, atop smaller shrubs; they seemed to be beaming at her; they seemed to move closer to each other, talking and giggling among themselves, while openly inviting her to join them; the way old students in a class welcome the new one.

She looked further downwards, she saw the earth; humble as ever, waiting for her to go aboard.

They were all fresh, and clean from the recent rains. Fresh. Fresh as new. It was a whole new world in her eyes. Leaves sparkling, flowers bright, and the earth soft. They were all clean, fresh, and new. And now she was a part of them. They had included her with them. She had joined them.

She got down her porch, walked up her clean driveway, step by step, with each step admiring the effects of water, of the downpour. She turned around again, to look at her house, before she left. She heaved a sigh, of relief; of happiness; or maybe she was thinking about all the things she had to do, now that she was out of house and sighed that she had to do them. But she was happy, and relieved, even if she was worried about the tasks she was yet to take up.

For she knew that no matter what she did, or how much of it she did,
if she were to wear out at the end of doing them all; or she never got to complete them, and had to drop them midway;
if she came out on top of the world for having done something right; or the whole world shattered around the her because of some minor fault of hers;
if she was happy with the outcome; or was deeply troubled by it;
no matter what happened, she could come back to the safety of this house, her house which she just stepped out of.

She had bought a new house. Her own house. Not an apartment, but an individual house in itself. It was hers, just as she was, and nobody could throw her out of it. She loved the security it provided. It seemed to motivate her to plunge into the world, and grab its opportunities. And now as she stood looking at it, it seemed to nudge her forward; it seemed to ask her ‘Why are you still waiting?’

Individual house. It stood alone. It had stood alone all these days, until she moved in. In the midst of nature's gifts excluding mankind. Now she was there. And it seemed to like that; appreciate her presence; as though it had been alone all these days waiting for her to find it out.

She knew not if she owned it, or it owned her. It was her ally, she thought. There's no ownership in that; it is mutual understanding; it is mutual assistance; neither had to answer the other; and yet they were together. And in this, was the supreme and purest form of ownership, something that was beyond her understanding. The whole building could collapse the next day, subject to nature's forces. She may have to look for a different place later. But it was there now, a house that she had for her own self and that is all that mattered to her.

She made some noise which came out to be somewhere in between a sniffle and a chuckle. She still had her fears of what may happen. But right now, a fresh new world was waiting for her outside. She had to be quick. She started walking, embracing the new world, the one that had just welcomed her. She would make her own way through it.

Everything in the new world glistened; so did her eyes.

At last, she tasted; the bitter sweet taste of hope..

Strict love

2008-05-29T15:14:00.005+05:30

She would not get up this time. He will have to manage himself. He should realise that she will not run to him, everytime such a situation arose. She stay stuck in her seat.

Was he hurt? She resisted the urge to check on him. She strained her ears for any noises - weeping or moaning from him. There was none. That meant he had not got hurt. He was probably standing there looking in her direction, waiting for her to pick him up. She would not take her eyes off the book she was reading. He had to learn, didn't he?

Her son. Of two years, almost. Fell plop on the ground, out of his cradle. He toppled out of his cradle quite often. She had been extra careful to put him in a clean place, and his cradle close enough to the ground, so he won't be bruised everytime he did this. That wouldn't do. It was time he learnt how to get back in. She had been there to lift him up and put him back all these days. But she would not always be there beside him.

She risked a glance in his direction, out of the corner of her eyes. She was the mother. And she was right. He stood there looking at her.

'Mmmm' he made a noise. He'd seen his mother look at him. He wanted her to carry him in her arms. She wanted to carry him in her arms.

She wanted to wrap arms around him and shower him with kisses. But she wouldn't. She decided not to. She held the book close to her face, the one which held an expression that combined smugness and a yearning to run to him.

He was her son, her only son. Should she go to his rescue whenever he gets into trouble; or should she let him handle it on his own? She'll be facing this dilemma, all her life, all his life. For now, it was his own problem. He was old enough to do it.

Hope

2008-04-09T21:49:00.002+05:30

Together; Separated;
Together; Alone;

Hope;
The need for it;
Hope;
Unnecessary;
Hope;
Its absence.

The story lies here.

The need, the effect, and the cause

2008-03-11T15:31:00.002+05:30

Wants, needs and desires;

People, events and happenings;

Love, lust and longing.

The story is at The Need, The Effect and The Cause.

The Friendship Bird

2008-03-11T11:58:00.006+05:30

Thud thud thud!

That was my cell phone beeping to announce the arrival of a text message. Weird tone for an sms, but unique nevertheless.

I went through the routine of unlocking the keypad, and choosing the option to read the message. I'd have to wait for almost a minute thanks to the processing speed in my phone. I took another sip of my tea.

The message was from my friend, a forwarded message. She sends those everyday. One day it is about love, one day about life, one day about education. They are either too sentimental, or have some philosophical value or are just plain funny.

Today, it was about friendship. It read:

'Friendship is like a small bird on your palm. You hold your palm open, and it flies away. You hold it too tight, it dies away.'

I have heard something similar about love ealier. Something that said Love is like the butterfly on your outstretched arm. It flies away if you don't hold it. And it is crushed to death if you hold it too tight.

But this sms said Friendship was like that. I chose the reply option on the phone and started typing 'It is true for love. But I don't think it suits friendship. I think friends would only get closer if you hold them tighter.'

Then I remembered him.

I erased what I had just typed and kept my phone away.

What do I say?

2008-02-13T15:43:00.002+05:30

Together
Separated
Presence, even in absence
Thoughts they flow
Words they fail

What do I say?

Him, and Me

2007-12-09T02:29:00.000+05:30

Too long to post it here. The story lies at Him, and Me.

Two people
Two different genders
Two different ages
One night
One place
Cupid

Presence

2007-07-07T01:25:00.001+05:30

"Tarun, what's the matter? Is anything wrong? You sounded as if in a hurry over the phone. You said you wanted to see me immediately. Is everything ok?"

She sat down beside him in the park bench with a concerned look on her face. He was staring blankly at the grass in front of him. He turned to look at her. She was expecting a teary pair of eyes; but his eyes were clear; sharp like they'd always been; and they were staring at her. He didn't look upset; he was angry.

"Ta.. Tarun, are you ok? Did you get into a fight or something?"

"Not yet; but I'm going to"

"You.. you're going to get into a fight? With whom?"

"With you Tara, we have scores to settle"

"What? What do you mean scores to settle? What did I do to make you angry??" Her face showed fear in addition to the shock.

"I don't know where to start, and how to proceed. But while I talk, I want you to shut up, and answer only when I ask you to"

"What?? I don't understand.. Why should ..."

"I said SHUT UP"

A heavy silence followed. It was Tarun who started talking

"What do you do before you go to sleep? Don't answer. I usually think of the things I did during the day, and things that I had to do the following day, as I lie down in my bed waiting for sleep to take over. I know that you know this. But there's something that you don't.

Every night, just the moment I finish with the routine, someone comes to my mind, you. Do you know how it feels like to be haunted by the memories of all the conversations, of the times spent together, present and past, and sometimes even the imagination of the future, with just one person, over and over again, every night, every single night of your life?

No, don't talk.

Sleepless nights, and you are the reason. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do, is check my mobile phone for any sms-es or calls from you; those sweet sms-es you send, I know they are just forwards, and that you send them to everyone you know. But still, to me, it is more like a warm note from you, note that you remember me, that you want to wish me a good day. I know it is being a little immature.

Every time I watch something on TV that makes me happy, I think of you.

Every time I watch something sad, I long for your company.

Every time my favourite team wins in soccer, I wish you were there beside me, to rejoice the victory together.

Every time I cross a level in my video game, you are the one that I want to shout out to.

Every time argue with my parents, I remember asking you not to argue with yours.

Every time I see a toddler, I remember you, and how much you love your nephew.

I read a book, and something that you said in the past comes to my mind.

I enter the kitchen and look at my dinner, and I remember you saying that you liked it.

I listen to some song, and your dislike for the song comes to my mind.

I go to the temple, and close my eyes, I find myself praying that your wishes get fulfilled.

I go shopping with my mom, I see the exhibit in the showroom, and I find myself thinking how you'd look in that outfit.

During the days we don't talk, I sit wondering what you'd be doing at that hour; I wonder whether you were thinking of me too.

The other day, my brother, you know he is crazy about that astrological stuff, he was reading some forecast, and I just peeked in. I read mine, there was nothing special. And then there was yours. It read 'A casual acquaintance with the opposite sex may lead to a full fledged love affair'. I got shocked and worried first. Then I realised something. That I was a casual acquaintance too. And I didn't know what to do.

I don't know what this is about. But I know that you have ruined the peace of my mind; I keep my eyes wide open or shut them close, you are still there. You are always there, either in person or in my own imagination, every freaking moment of my life. And I hate this feeling.

We have known each other for such a long while; we have become a part of each other's life; you have always said that there is some sort of a bonding between us, though we're only friends. But all this.. all this makes me wonder..

Tara, am I in love with you?"

*************************************************************************************

"Cut! Cut!" The director called out. There was a huge applause from the troupe.

"Excellent performance!! You are going to be the hero of the masses. Each fan is going to change his name to Tarun. Brilliant brilliant!!" The director addressed the hero of his movie, the one who had brought out his dialogue so very well.

The Assisstant director walked towards the script writer and asked "Say madam, how could you come up with such an emotional dialogue? It sounded so original, like you placed yourself in his shoes, and went through all this. I have no words to describe how it was. I have seen this piece rehearsed over and over; yet today when the actor delivered it in front of the camera, I was moved.. It felt.. it felt so complete. Great job madam. You'll go places." The script writer thanked him with a smile and approached the hero.

Several members of the troupe congratulated the hero. Silently, the script writer moved towards him; looked up at him, with the joy and pride of a mother. He smiled at her. She shook his hand in a firm shake, looked into his eyes, and whispered

"Thank you"

The hero stood puzzled why this woman had to thank him; even if his delivery of her dialogue was good, she should have congratulated him. But he was soon distracted by the director's calls.

Behind the camera, the writer who had come just to see this part of the movie shoot, moved towards her car, quickened her pace to get out of the sight of the crew members, lest someone see her eyes, that were now soaked.

She

2007-07-04T11:33:00.000+05:30

I knew she was there inside the room; I could sense her presence. She would be hiding somewhere under the desk or behind the pile of clothes in my room; my room's pretty untidy. I don't have to search for her; she'd come to me on her own. I am too tired and lazy to get up and switch on the lights. Even if I do, she would only recede into hiding again. I'll wait lying on my bed. When she approaches me, I'll catch her red-handed.

The baffling thing is how she managed to enter the house in spite of mom's efforts to keep her away from our home. I didn't mind her presence; but mom detested it totally. Mom wanted her little boy left untouched. It is funny that my mom still calls me her "little boy". I have finished my schooling and am going to join college in another month or so. But I had gotten used to it; I have asked her not to call me a little boy in front of my friends; just that.

I could see her approaching me, the faint light from outside helped. I am going to pretend as if I am asleep. She is hiding behind that big mound of books right now. I haven't cleaned my room till now. Exams got over long ago; and yet I haven't. Mom wants me to clean it asap so that she will not have any place to hide in my room. I have been putting it off until now. Maybe I should ask mom to clean it for me.

What is she doing at my footstep? Now I can't catch her without scaring her away. I'll wait till she comes further up. Yeah, she's coming up. She paused around my right hand for a few seconds and then came straight to my face. Now I could even hear her. She was looking between my right and left cheeks. This is the right time.

'Gotcha!!' I held her between the palm of my two hands. I sneered at her and whack! 'Die you filthy little beast' I laughed inside like the villains in hindi movies. I look at my hand. My! It is indeed red. I'd caught her red-handed. I will have to wash my hands now. I threw her lifeless body out of the window and went towards the bathroom.

I should ask mom to get a better mosquito repellent tomorrow. All these female mosquitoes cause Malaria, Dengue and what not? Who wants to fall sick?

Locked

2007-06-28T18:21:00.000+05:30

It was 7.30 pm. He'd have left office by now. She was restless. The last time he talked to her was 8 am in the morning, after he reached office; and that too not for long. Before that, it was last tuesday; oh or was it monday? Had it been any other day, she wouldn't have felt this restless; it was her birthday today. She was hoping he'd come over to her place and that they could have a silent evening together. It had been months since they ever spent time together. He had lots of work to do in office. He didn't have time for her. She doubted if the former was the reason for the latter; or the other way round.

But when he'd answered, he said he wouldn't be leaving office before 7, and that there was no way he could make it to her place that evening. He said that he'll try to leave office early that sunday, and maybe take her out. She wasn't positive. He had made many such promises before. Only he seemed to be too tired on sunday evenings to meet her. She thought she was in someway the reason for all this. She wanted to be sure. She called another number as soon as he hung the call.

He reached home at 8. The living room was dark. His flatmate was somewhere inside. He switched on the lights. The room appeared clean; cleaner than usual. The maid they had arranged swept the floor everyday; but today everything on and above the floor seemed orderly; neatly arranged. Suspiciously, he stepped by the kitchen; his suspicion only grew, for a sweet smell hung around. He didn't enter the kitchen; he never did without washing his hands and legs. He called out to his roommate "Dude! What's special today? The entire house has a festive look compared to our daily living standards??" and turned around.

"It's my birthday today" She was standing there, in front of him, holding a chunk of chocolate cake with white frostings, in her hand, and a wide grin, that of a child, in her face. He liked chocolate cakes, and so did she. He was surprised; taken aback; he had not expected her. His roommate stood grinning behind her. He was gonna shout at her for having come there after dark when he noticed the look on her face; a hint of joy, joy of seeing him after a long time; of mischief, like she was playing with him; and along with that a hint of plea, plea to him. His anger vanished. Instead, he chuckled and placed his hands on her shoulder and said "You naughty little idiot!! Come on, let's cut the cake. I'm hungry"

The cake was not too big; but more than sufficient for the three of them, for her, him and his roommate. She cut the cake into three equal portions, as his roommate sang "happy birthday to you..". Out of one of the portions, she cut a much smaller piece, and like in most birthday parties, raised it to his mouth. He munched on it, and then bent to take the full piece. He didn't give it to her; he just raised it to his mouth. He was about to take a bite when he glanced at the eager expectant face in front of him.

Swoosh!! He smeared it over her face and stuffed what was left into her mouth. "Here you go, birthday baby" Now it was her; she was surprised; and taken aback. He looked like all the tiredness of his face got mysteriously washed away; he was there; right in front of her; after a long time; with a face that winked while it smiled; the smile that she thought she'd never see again; he looked younger, the look on his face that said it was all going to be alright; everything was going to fall in place; just like old days. She stood looking at him, her eyes locked in his, as if she were deriving strength from that look.

"Guys guys, enough of your romance. I have taken my share. Her share is here on the plate. What are you going to do?" His roommate broke their moment and asked him.

"What am I going to do?? About what?" He asked his roommate.

"The cake of course, you dork. Oh I know what you'll do. You're going to do what a dog usually does. I'd better leave to my room. Why spoil your privacy" His roommate winked and vacated the place.

The chocolate on her face provided a shield; they couldn't see her face turn red.

"Come on. Go wash your face" he directed her towards the bathroom. When she got back, he had neatly halved the remaining portion of the cake.

He rose from the couch, and came to her. He gently drew her close to him, and whispered into her ear "Happy birthday. I love you"

Their eyes locked; soon did their hands; their lips followed.

All along

2007-06-28T12:55:00.001+05:30

“You think I can make it?” She asked playing with the sand in front of her. He rested his chin on her shoulder.

They sat cuddled up with him enveloping her with his arms from behind. They were at the beach, looking at the waves. This was their favourite place; sufficiently away from the various stalls so that they won’t be disturbed, and close enough so that they weren’t in the dark. They did not like hiding behind the boats like the other couples did. There they sat everyday, from a little before sunset to well after it. They liked watching the sun disappear slowly into the sea; the waves that hit the shore; the vendors calling out the names of their products; young couples giggling and blushing; older couples taking a walk; the middle-aged ones chasing and chased by their children; and the little kids running here and there.

They spoke little, if anything at all. They seldom played with the water. They were there, content with each other’s presence; that was all that mattered to them. If one of them was late, the other would just sit there, in a manner of reserving the place, their place. And then the other one would just come and join. There would be no drama, of welcome; or no quarrels, for the delay. Occasionally when either of them was too happy, they’d just brush their lips on the other’s cheek; and if perturbed, they’d just hold hands. When they were together, they felt a sense of quiet; serene and peaceful. But today, they did not.

“Make it? You’ll do great!!” He said, mustering all the enthusiasm he could bring out. She tilted her head to look at him. Looking at his eyes, which spoke more than his words, she knew he was telling the truth; only the eyes couldn’t feign the spirit his voice did. She threw her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. They sat, holding each other for a long time. It was time to leave. She kissed his cheek and got up.

Neither of them uttered a word as they moved toward the road. When it was time to part, they hugged again. It was she who spoke first. Looking into his eyes, she said:

“Do come to the reception. I don’t have a photo in which we stand together, you by my side”

He said, with a genuine smile on his face with a pair of eyes that expressed pain.

“Sure, I will”

The first ones

2007-06-28T12:51:00.001+05:30

The stories I wrote before I started this blog.

The Castle

The Ring

Unbound

Yo!!

2007-06-28T11:33:00.000+05:30

Hi folks! This is going to be my blog space for the stories I scribble. I had this in mind for quite sometime, but hey I gotta prove my name.

And regarding the number 6; I owe this blog to Venus.

Caution: Be it this blog or any other, try not to associate the content of posts with the blogger, in case you know them personally. It'd spoil the very charm of the post.